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Ginger Orphan Playhouse: The Trial of Cooper

by Ginger Orphan Playhouse

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Hey Mr. Johnson, You’ve overslept. Are you thrilled to wake up? ‘Cause you’re holding your breath. Front desk, it happened again Up in 133. Ave Maria, Dominous Deuce! Are these rosary beads Or the plies of the noose? Your checkout time’s at the end of eternity. Sorry this place has a tendency to get morose, And that’s why every room comes equipped with a signature joke. See, the setup is what brought you here And the punchline… the punchline… Continental breakfast, The coffee’s hot. But the groundwater’s cold In your burial plot. Oh no, the ice machine’s Once again on the fritz. So let’s boil the curtains And strip the bed. Lay two mints on the pillows And eyes of the dead. When I go, I hope that I go Someplace better than this. I do understand, I’m not solely aloof. You can drown in the pool, You can leap from the roof. And though death in a hotel is kind of cliché, Everyone wants to hear the words “enjoy your stay.” And your family won’t see it. Your friends won’t come near it. Just make sure that you leave a tip for the maid. I’m so sorry this place has a tendency to get morose, And that’s why every room comes equipped with a signature joke. See, the setup is what brought you here, And the punchline… The punchline’s there in the mirror. The punchline’s there in the mirror. The punchline’s there in the mirror.
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COOPER Ah! Because you’re a monster! You. Are. Insane! VACUUM SALESMAN Well, that cuts a little deep. COOPER At least my parents died! Yours probably just couldn’t stand the sight of you! VACUUM SALESMAN Woah, woah, woah, woah. I am… not on trial here! COOPER It’s no wonder you never want to escape. Who on the outside would honestly want to spend any amount of time with you? VACUUM SALESMAN You’re right! … Who would? They say that orphans’ memories Simply can’t retain Their daddies’ dour demeanors. But I remember father's face. And even though he left me No better than a servant, I’m still glad as a young boy I was so observant. He looked just like me, Down to the red beard and mustache. And every time I picture him, There’s a fuzzy flashback ambiance. He may have sold some vacuums – I don’t know. ’Cause the image fades in memory’s haze And I am left alone. I’m left alone. GINGER 1 Deliberations we’ve had to endure, Non sequiturs and the dragging of feet! GINGER 2 You think you can just sit there in silence, While justice is owed to these hollering beaks! CHORUS They’ve been waiting for it way too long To see a non-guilty verdict go To some mumbly ginger boy-hoy. You’re tough enough to kill their monarch, fine! But you swung the vacuum So now you must do the time. MADAME TRINKETT Kids, I hate to interrupt these proceedings, But I have some incredible news! My husband’s been found and his heart is still beating! Come parrot friends for this sweet rendezvous. COOPER Oh my god, we’re getting out of here! The future’s never looked so clear! I’ll leave with ya. I wanna flee with ya. Wanna be with ya. VANESSA Oh, well see, you’re not really my type. I already have plans tonight. I gotta go. I’m gonna leave solo. That means alone – VACUUM SALESMAN Hey everybody not so fast! This place is really not so bad! It’s home to me. And you are all sort of my family. CHORUS That door is has not been left ajar. We’ve never seen outside so far. What is out there? Is there a place for kids with ginger hair? VACUUM SALESMAN Scooper, I don’t know! Scooper, it’s a great big world! The basement is a dinghy By the gale winds getting hurled! And out there it’s a fire – We’ll choke upon the embers. Your own mom couldn’t take it, Or don’t you remember? CHORUS We’ve been waiting for it way too long To see a non-guilty verdict go To some mumbly ginger boy-hoy! LIL' REDLUST But now the door is open, we’re feelin’ fine! We’re starting to realize, That we can leave anytime. VACUUM SALESMAN Fools! I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Three steaks a day, and the memories we’ve shared! This parrot-dise you are considering fleeing?! Ask free-range orphans how well they have fared! The basement is great. COOPER Oh no it isn’t! VACUUM SALESMAN The basement’s our fate! COOPER Oh please just quit it. VACUUM SALESMAN The basement is sewn Into the cloth of my soul. There’s no home like this Subterranean hole. The basement is great. COOPER Oh please be quiet! VACUUM SALESMAN The basement’s our fate And don't deny it! The door isn’t shut And I can’t handle that. We’ve got to go back To the status quo stat! COOPER You fucking psycho, you’re deranged! Nobody even knows your name! Don’t you dare go and close that door, I cannot take this anymore! VACUUM SALESMAN The basement is great. GINGERS Oh no it isn't! VACUUM SALESMAN Three squares a day? GINGERS Oh no you didn't! VACUUM SALESMAN Ya wanna leave me just like my papa?! Then to your freedom, say TAH TAAAAAAAAH! (Manic laughter) COOPER (Screams) Um. It’s easy to get down in the basement, And beyond these walls you think that no one cares. But I’m here to let you know – I don’t always let it show – That there’s a song in all the hearts of those with ginger hair. GINGERS Solidarity, darity – it changes everything. Ginger hair, you see, hair you see – a common anchoring VACUUM SALESMAN He looked just like me (Solidarity, darity – it changes everything) Down to the red beard and mustache. (Ginger hair, you see, hair, you see – a common anchoring.) VACUUM SALESMAN You’ve got to kill Your confidence In me... In we. You’ve got to kill Your confidence For me To succeed. There’s one explanation, Kindly follow along. I’ll clarify through a song! Imagine a salesman Going from door-to-door, And killing the owners Of unkempt carpet floors. Was he a monster? COOPER Yes! VACUUM SALESMAN A homicidal troll? COOPER YES! VACUUM SALESMAN Or was he just craving The thing we call CONTROL? You’re not Madame’s trinkets Or under parrot reign. This playhouse is my domain! COOPER You think we’re yours? You think you’re tough? I think we’ve all had quite enough. I’m gonna get us out of here. I’ll never, ever quit. I’m sorry that you’ve had it bad, But you won’t move beyond you dad Living like a maniac In pools of parrot shit. VACCUM SALESMAN STOP! The basement is great. COOPER You can’t convince me! VACCUM SALESMAN THE BASEMENT’S YOUR FATE! COOPER You can come with me! I know I’m meek And mumbly, There’s no use to pretend. But I know I can beat you By calling you my FRIEND! EVERYONE SOLI-DARIY, DARITY CHANGES EVERYTHING. GINGER HAIR YOU SEE, HAIR YOU SEE, A COMMON ANCHORING. COOPER Solidarity, darity, VACCUM SALESMAN Looked just like me... COOPER Ginger hair, you see, hair you see... VACCUM SALESMAN Down to his red haaaaaair... COOPER You could call this a friend request. VACUUM SALESMAN I don’t believe it. COOPER I am sending an S.O.S. VACUUM SALESMAN I won’t receive it! COOPER We could be good friends – the best! VACUUM SALESMAN You really mean it? COOPER I am sending a friend re – VACUUM SALESMAN I aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaCEPT!!! EVERYONE We’ve been waiting for it way too long, But now the wait’s over And we can go live our lives! So let’s join hands and we Can get a move on. There’s so much to see, it’s A great big world outside.
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credits

released August 17, 2023

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Ginger Orphan Playhouse Los Angeles, California

Music from the Ginger Orphan Playhouse animated series.

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