COOPER
Ah! Because you’re a monster! You. Are. Insane!

VACUUM SALESMAN
Well, that cuts a little deep.

COOPER
At least my parents died! Yours probably just couldn’t stand the sight of you!

VACUUM SALESMAN
Woah, woah, woah, woah. I am… not on trial here!

COOPER
It’s no wonder you never want to escape. Who on the outside would honestly want to spend any amount of time with you?

VACUUM SALESMAN
You’re right! … Who would?

They say that orphans’ memories
Simply can’t retain
Their daddies’ dour demeanors.
But I remember father's face.

And even though he left me
No better than a servant,
I’m still glad as a young boy I was
so observant.

He looked just like me,
Down to the red beard and mustache.
And every time I picture him,
There’s a fuzzy flashback ambiance.
He may have sold some vacuums – I don’t know.
’Cause the image fades in memory’s haze
And I am left alone.
I’m left alone.

GINGER 1
Deliberations we’ve had to endure,
Non sequiturs and the dragging of feet!

GINGER 2
You think you can just sit there in silence,
While justice is owed to these hollering beaks!

CHORUS
They’ve been waiting for it way too long
To see a non-guilty verdict go
To some mumbly ginger boy-hoy.
You’re tough enough to kill their monarch, fine!
But you swung the vacuum
So now you must do the time.

MADAME TRINKETT
Kids, I hate to interrupt these proceedings,
But I have some incredible news!
My husband’s been found and his heart is still beating!
Come parrot friends for this sweet rendezvous.

COOPER
Oh my god, we’re getting out of here!
The future’s never looked so clear!
I’ll leave with ya.
I wanna flee with ya. Wanna be with ya.

VANESSA
Oh, well see, you’re not really my type.
I already have plans tonight.
I gotta go. I’m gonna leave solo. That means alone –

VACUUM SALESMAN
Hey everybody not so fast!
This place is really not so bad!
It’s home to me. And you are all sort of my family.

CHORUS
That door is has not been left ajar.
We’ve never seen outside so far.
What is out there? Is there a place for kids with ginger hair?

VACUUM SALESMAN
Scooper, I don’t know!
Scooper, it’s a great big world!
The basement is a dinghy
By the gale winds getting hurled!
And out there it’s a fire –
We’ll choke upon the embers.
Your own mom couldn’t take it,
Or don’t you remember?

CHORUS
We’ve been waiting for it way too long
To see a non-guilty verdict go
To some mumbly ginger boy-hoy!

LIL' REDLUST
But now the door is open, we’re feelin’ fine!
We’re starting to realize,
That we can leave anytime.

VACUUM SALESMAN
Fools! I can’t believe what I’m seeing.
Three steaks a day, and the memories we’ve shared!
This parrot-dise you are considering fleeing?!
Ask free-range orphans how well they have fared!
The basement is great.

COOPER
Oh no it isn’t!

VACUUM SALESMAN
The basement’s our fate!

COOPER
Oh please just quit it.

VACUUM SALESMAN
The basement is sewn
Into the cloth of my soul.
There’s no home like this
Subterranean hole.
The basement is great.

COOPER
Oh please be quiet!

VACUUM SALESMAN
The basement’s our fate
And don't deny it!
The door isn’t shut
And I can’t handle that.
We’ve got to go back
To the status quo stat!

COOPER
You fucking psycho, you’re deranged!
Nobody even knows your name!
Don’t you dare go and close that door,
I cannot take this anymore!

VACUUM SALESMAN
The basement is great.

GINGERS
Oh no it isn't!

VACUUM SALESMAN
Three squares a day?

GINGERS
Oh no you didn't!

VACUUM SALESMAN
Ya wanna leave me just like my papa?!

Then to your freedom, say TAH TAAAAAAAAH!
(Manic laughter)

COOPER
(Screams)
Um.
It’s easy to get down in the basement,
And beyond these walls you think that no one cares.
But I’m here to let you know –
I don’t always let it show –
That there’s a song in all the hearts of those with ginger hair.

GINGERS
Solidarity, darity – it changes everything.
Ginger hair, you see, hair you see – a common anchoring

VACUUM SALESMAN
He looked just like me
(Solidarity, darity – it changes everything)
Down to the red beard and mustache.
(Ginger hair, you see, hair, you see – a common anchoring.)

VACUUM SALESMAN
You’ve got to kill
Your confidence
In me...
In we.
You’ve got to kill
Your confidence
For me
To succeed.
There’s one explanation,
Kindly follow along.
I’ll clarify through a song!

Imagine a salesman
Going from door-to-door,
And killing the owners
Of unkempt carpet floors.
Was he a monster?

COOPER
Yes!

VACUUM SALESMAN
A homicidal troll?

COOPER
YES!

VACUUM SALESMAN
Or was he just craving
The thing we call CONTROL?
You’re not Madame’s trinkets
Or under parrot reign.
This playhouse is my domain!

COOPER
You think we’re yours? You think you’re tough?
I think we’ve all had quite enough.
I’m gonna get us out of here.
I’ll never, ever quit.
I’m sorry that you’ve had it bad,
But you won’t move beyond you dad
Living like a maniac
In pools of parrot shit.

VACCUM SALESMAN
STOP! The basement is great.

COOPER
You can’t convince me!

VACCUM SALESMAN
THE BASEMENT’S YOUR FATE!

COOPER
You can come with me!
I know I’m meek
And mumbly,
There’s no use to pretend.
But I know I can beat you
By calling you my FRIEND!

EVERYONE
SOLI-DARIY, DARITY CHANGES EVERYTHING.
GINGER HAIR YOU SEE, HAIR YOU SEE, A COMMON ANCHORING.

COOPER
Solidarity, darity,

VACCUM SALESMAN
Looked just like me...

COOPER
Ginger hair, you see, hair you see...

VACCUM SALESMAN
Down to his red haaaaaair...

COOPER
You could call this a friend request.

VACUUM SALESMAN
I don’t believe it.

COOPER
I am sending an S.O.S.

VACUUM SALESMAN
I won’t receive it!

COOPER
We could be good friends – the best!

VACUUM SALESMAN
You really mean it?

COOPER
I am sending a friend re –

VACUUM SALESMAN
I aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaCEPT!!!

EVERYONE
We’ve been waiting for it way too long,
But now the wait’s over
And we can go live our lives!
So let’s join hands and we
Can get a move on.
There’s so much to see, it’s
A great big world outside.